He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
