just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
