drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Congratulations! We have a period
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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