I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
A bitchslap is in order.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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