I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
