She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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