he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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