He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
