a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
