I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
