Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
