I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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