Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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