we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
