i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
