My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
FUCK WHALES
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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