pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
