um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
