My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
