this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
