Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
