im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
