Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
