You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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