Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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