Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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