Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
