By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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