The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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