dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
