ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
