My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize