Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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