Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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