I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
