One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
