There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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