i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm bleeding and have questions
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
