God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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