I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
