for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize