Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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