Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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