Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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