Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
