mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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