Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
