Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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