Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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