We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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