Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
