My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i think my cat just said my name.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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