Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
