The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
