i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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