Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize