I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
