honey bunches of taint.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
