she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
