I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
