shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
