just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
