For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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