I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
