how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
