i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
